Archive for December, 2008

at the end

December 11, 2008 at 12:42 pm · Filed under random stuff, stories from a big family

my grandma is in hospice and is not expected to live much longer. i’ve been thinking about her a lot. and about losing family, especially that generation. i’ve been grandparent wealthy my whole life – one of the benefits of divorce (they should put that in the brochure!). all 3 of my grandfathers are gone now. i would not say that i’m ready to start losing my grandmothers. 

 

the nursing home in brown’s valley minnesota is very close to where she lived on a farm with leo, her husband (until his death 36 years ago), and her 7 children (my dad was the only boy). at some point, she moved to a larger town to teach special education.

 

for all of my life, she was not the easiest person to know. she has always been a kind of enigma to her grandchildren, not the warm and cuddly cookie baking grandmother, but one who kept herself a little closed off. maybe it was because her husband died when she was very young or because she worked outside of the home when most women didn’t. for whatever reason, i’m sad thinking about what little i know about her beyond her history. except that i know this: she loved to dance. i wish i would have gone dancing with her one time. i suspect that i would have learned a lot about what she thought and about how she felt about the world. and how she felt about me.

 

her 81st birthday is monday and this is the card i am mailing today. it is sucky. what do you say? how do you say goodbye?

 

dear grandma~

 

i’ve been thinking about you and wanted to wish you a happy birthday and to let you know that i am so grateful to you for the example that you’ve given us all about how to enjoy life and love the people around you; maybe not in the expected grandmotherly way, but in a way that was your own. in a way that taught us independence, respect and strength.

 

i have such good memories of sitting around the kitchen table at your house at christmas, listening to stories and watching you get dolled up to go out dancing with bert and emil. i love that one of the biggest adventures of my life – traveling to korea – was shared with you. i love that you embraced new things and adventure. you helped to show me the value of things that some people overlook like the small diners that you discovered on your drives and, just this summer, you introduced me to some of the best pie i’ve ever eaten in a town i would have just driven through.

 

i have always thought that i take after you in a lot of ways, especially my stubbornness, my ability to show that i am a tough and strong woman, my love of adventure and my sense of humor. i hope i pass all of those things on to jasper.

 

thank you. i love you always.

Comments (3)

leo the late bloomer

December 10, 2008 at 4:30 pm · Filed under emmit

do y’all know this book?

leo-the-late-bloomer

it is about a tiger named leo who is behind his friends in reading, writing, drawing, eating neatly and speaking. his father is concerned, but his mother isn’t. she knows that leo will do all of those things and more when he is ready. she explains that leo is simply a late bloomer. and then, in his own good time, leo blooms! this makes everyone really happy including, of course, leo.

aunt laura got this book for emmit right after he was born because it was one of her favorites as a child. little did we know that emmit would be a late bloomer like leo. it is a fantastic book. the art is fun and colorful and the message that we’re all different is simple and well presented. emmit enjoys identifying the animals and making the sounds they make.

i enjoy it on a completely different level. for me, it is therapy. it doesn’t matter how many times i read it, it makes me a little weepy. it gives me hope and it freaks me out at the same time. just like leo’s dad, i need leo’s mom’s assurance that the blooming will happen.

i don’t really talk a lot about emmit’s evelopmental delays other than to report, from time to time, on his super awesome progress.  the truth is that i am often filled with anxiety, which it is hard for me. i am not the kind of person who worries about little stuff, but this is a whopper. mostly, i can handle it. i’m his mama so a healthy dose of worry comes with the territory, but sometimes, sweet jebus, i have a hard time believing that emmit is actually going to communicate like a normal kid.

it is one thing to hope that emmit will bloom, it is another to believe it. most of the time, i am able to be patient, like leo’s mom, and trust the people who work with him, but sometimes i freak out that he’s not going to catch up.

i don’t like writing this because admitting it out loud seems weak and negative and if i put my concerns out into the universe, they might come true, but it is hard for me to keep it to myself. i need to own my fears. i need to talk about it, but i worry that i should be positive for everyone else. sometimes i need leo’s mom to tell me that emmit is going to bloom.

at this point, i must point out that emmit’s pre-school teacher feels very sure that emmit has what she calls a “good old fashioned delay.” she thinks he is probably a year or so behind other 3-year olds, which feels about right when i watch him with his 2-year old cousin, solomon. every day he comes home from school with new words and new concepts (he conjugated a verb this morning! he went from: ”jasper cry.” to: “jasper crying.” neat, right?). his doctor and his therapists (speech, occupational, physical, developmental) have all said that they feel confident that he will catch up. still i worry. my goal is  to let go and trust those wonderful people in emmit’s life who know what they are talking about and who love our boy.

all of this – and, wow, it feels kind of good to get it off my chest – is just to say that i love that damn leo the late bloomer book (thanks aunt laura!). when the worry threatens to overwhelm, i go straight to it. and i look at emmit and think about how far he’s come and how neat he is. and sweet. and funny. and smart. and loving. and dorky. and constantly blooming. and perfectly perfect in every way.

by the way, the book ends with leo saying, “i made it.” i love that part.

 

 

 

 
 
 
 
 
 
 

 

Leave a Comment

Older Posts »