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antm: make it pretty ugly

flashback 2 weeks ago: 

it’s the time in the cycle for acting! tia mowry (even sans her twin, shudder) of sister sister is their coach. 1st they are given crazy hats and told to, like, act like their hats. they do a scene with pedro from napoleon dynamite. and i just have to say…that’s interesting…kind of hip. sadly, he’s no taye diggs. they put the girls in winter clothes and ask them to “act” like diva models.

unfortunately, nothing really ridiculous happens, like “illnesses.” they don’t even try to make the girls cry. remember shandi with the snot? those were the days. renee wins the challenge and, in her continuing leaf turning mode, shares her win with dionne, who previously said she wouldn’t give renee another chance. seems wholahay can be bought. they win t-shirts and seem genuinely not unhappy about it even though i’d be mauling whitney for her bracelet . the prize turns out to be the best one, though, when renee and dionne’s families show up the next day. they get to hang out with their kids and it’s actually kind of touching. even dionne violently combing her daughter’s hair out because her sister only has boys and doesn’t know what she’ s doing is sweet in its own twisted way. natasha really misses her baby and runs outside looking for her. it’s sad. she cries to her husband on the phone and he doesn’t seem to know what to say.

the photo shoot is a little on the lame-o side in terms of showing the contestant’s skills, but i love me some antm memory lane. the girls pose with past antm contestants in recreations of “scandalous” situations. i’m not sure the show’s producers totally understand what scandalous means. i got all excited about some really good ones, like, “you had sex!” plus it would have been great to see shandi again.

renee poses with joanie from cycle6 getting veneers. i kind of like the picture (the shoes look great), but joanie steals it a little. brittany is with the twins, because tyra confuses scandalous with creepy. it’s a common mistake. jael is with rebecca from cycle4, who passed out at panel. when shown the footage of the collapse, jael says, “whoa. she rules.” i’m not sure what i like least about this picture. jael sexing it up too much or rebecca’s shirt. jaslene poses with bre from cycle5 in the granola bar incident. whitney is with shannon from cycle1 refusing to pose nakey (woo hoo! cycle1 is generally that which shall not be named) . natasha is with michelle from cycle4, who looked so much less like a man than she did when she was on the show. they said it was flesh eating bacteria, but it was actually just impetigo. way to ratchet up the terror alert there, tyra. dionne poses with kim from cycle 5 in a limo recreating kim’s “1 down 11 to go” lesbian victory moment. although i’m not loving kim’s hair, she looks pretty hot. plus she seems to have some kind of voodoo magic on the straight girls because dionne goes from saying she’s “not no f**king lesbo.” to “i kind of enjoyed that.” yay! i love it when straight people have their world’s turned around a little like that. plus a girl named wholahay needs to be okay with the gay. also, dionne totally rocked the shoes in that pose.

after all is said and done, it is whitney’s time to go. well, if you ask me, it’s way past her time to go, but this time she doesn’t escape from the clutches.  

at panel, tyra is looking a little bit gypsy. the scarf and the mini-skirt? nice. i’m thinking she’s started a fleetwood mac tribute band. or she has a 2nd job as one of those fortune tellers in a box. oh crap. now i can’t get that image out of my head. at least until another one comes up…like say tyra in a kangaroo costume with her wig falling off….

 i was disappointed that there wasn’t a tyra in a scandal picture, like maybe her yelling at that model (i can’t remember who it was). that would have been good. um…also…what was this?

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antm: wholahay!

i am still in the running to catch my ass up with america’s next top model. 

wholahay! wholahay! that’s totally my new exclamation for kick ass excitement. ”i just got my tax check. wholahay!” “do i want mexican for dinner? wholahay!” “g.j. wants to take emmit for a whole weekend? wholahay!” i think y’all get the drift. 

flashback 3-weeks ago:

the girls meet up with twiggy (rocking the tie look) and melrose to talk about how a cool name can help in the modeling industry. the girls must come up with a new name both fierce and fabulous. dionne? picks wholahay! and my love for her grows and grows. if i haven’t made it abundantly clear so far, i want her to win. i also like brittany, but i will cry and tear my hair out if wholahay doesn’t win it all. melrose’s response to the brilliance that is wholahay is to call it a conversation starter. if a conversation can start with ”what did that crazy bitch say her name was?” jael and jaslene keep their names, which seems pretty wise on their parts. natasha is nata. sarah picks moe, which is her middle name or something. brittany gets creative and goes with brit. renee chooses nayien and whitney, inspired by melrose, went with whitelle, which sounds like a brand of toilet paper.

with their new names, they go to a party to hob nob with celebrities and tyra’s manager, benny medina. he is the cutest little thing. i’d like to just fold him up and put him in my pocket. the challenge is to try to make a good impression. wholahay cries when she mentions her daughter. i was all like, “her what?” and “her who?” so that’s 2 surprise kids (including natasha’s) versus using your kid to garner sympathy (i’m looking at you, renee).

at the party, jael annoys 50cent to the point that he pushes her in the pool. and here’s where i have a problem. like, is it really okay for a man to push a woman? even if she’s being really annoying – boy howdy, which she really was – i was not comfortable with the violence. it was all, like, oh you shouldn’t have pestered 50cent, when maybe…oh i don’t know, maybe fitty should have removed himself from the situation, maybe to attend some anger management class or soemthing. it’s all so stupid. you could argue that he just pushed her into a pool so no harm, but it felt violent to me. benny medina (cute!) was not impressed with jael or natasha, who jumped into the pool after her for some reason that was never clarified. but in the end, jael was called 1st so, apparently, her bad behaviour didn’t count against her. whatever. i think it could be a topic for tyra’s talk show: When Women Really Deserve It. or how about: Don’t Smack that Bitch: Just Push Her in a Pool. i’ll keep working on finding a catchiertitle. meanwhile, nicole richie stirs stuff up between renee and jael in a kind of fun evil puppet master kind of way. sheasks renee who she doesn’t like and then reports to jael what renee said. just for fun. i’m not saying i’ll watch the simple life or anything, but that cracked me up.

in other news, wholahay wins the challenge and gets a keds ad. tyra comes to the house for one of her patented Come to Mama talks where everyone gangs up on renee. awesome. but there is true healing in a tyra heart-to-heart and renee vows to change. she’s running out of leaves. she writes a letter to jael and says that she needs to be a more sensitive person. but what fun is that? think of the little people, renee, before you get nice. stick to drawing jael in a straight-jacket. oh please. for the people. wholahay says that she won’t give her another chance. and whatever wholahay says goes. i really wish i could stop saying, singing, chanting, writing wholahay, but i can’t. it’s like a sickness. brittany finally gets a weavectomy. thank sweet jebus for that, i was worried about animal cruelty for that thing on top of her head.

the photoshoot is kind of interesting. the girls have to show 4-sides of thier personalities and do thier own styling (or rather, plan thier own stying and tell the stylists what they want instead of mr. jay planning it…something like that). renee is boring. jaslene chooses drag queen which made me laugh. also? her pictures are all the same. sarah, to me, doesn’t suck, but they’ve got it out for her for being too posey so whatever. whitney = beautiful and boring and for the love of god lower that eyebrow. it’s really bugging me. jael is not surprizingly really good. they end up loving renee, but i felt like she was posey. her “sorrow” looks more like “headache” to me. brittany rocks. and wholahay?although her “sensitive” also looks “headachey,” she can do no wrong as far as i’m concerned. this got me thinking, what would my 4-sides be? goofy…frantic…eviljaq…drag queen (i wish!)…sleepy…dopey…doc…hungry…chatty. what oh what would i chose? oh and then i can pick emmit’s 4-sides: silly, smiley, whiny and giant. i want to know what y’all would pick for yourselves.

at panel, tyra continues to confuse me with headware; i continue to try to ignore miss jay and his ruffles and nigel is hot.

moe ( sarah) and whitelle (whitney) are in the bottom 2. and whitney’s got 9-lives or something because sarah gets the boot for being too posey, which, whatever. 5 more girls…

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