without a definite route

model maggots

on March 6, 2007

welcome back, my tall skinny, not especially bright, but mostly photogenic friends! oh how i’ve missed ye. yeah, you too, tyra. even though it seems as if you’ve been everywhere lately, proclaiming your pride in your “fat ass.” we’ll see if this cycle brings us a kinder, gentler tyty. i’m hoping not so much.

antm cycle 8

this is not really a recap, but just the stuff i would have said out loud if i didn’t have to watch the show by myself. sniff. sniff. i am looking forward to having girls come over on wednesdays to watch with me. in the pursuit of antm co-watchers, i’ve even agreed to watch american idol, which comes on before. and if that isn’t commitment, i don’t know what is.

cycle8 starts with a some serious self back patting with tyra the enunciator talking about antm’s world dominance. there’s a special effort made to show heidi klum hosting german antm, which makes me think tyra is claiming some sideways credit for the awesomeness that is project runway. i’d love to see tyra and heidi participate in a reality show exchange program. heidi would be all, “aufedersein, bitches.” and tyra would make those designers cry buckets with her patented best friendiness. she would not have put up with geoffrey being mean to angela’s mother. tyty a mama’s girl.

the model wannabes got thrown headfirst into the intensity of model boot camp. i laughed and laughed when the j’s arrived. i have never seen anything so…well, gay. okay, i’m not sure how intense we’re supposed to believe this is, but they were forced to jog in heeled-combat boots. and miss j’s short shorts? you know, i generally love when they show that miss j has the best legs and booty on teevee, but those shorts are just silly. what’s with the dangly cargo pocket?

short shorts

i shouldn’t be at all surprised considering the flight attendant outfit from last cycle, or the bikini t-shirt, or the weird flowers at judging. okay. i take it back. it’s silly to point out the silly when it’s all so silly. speaking of silly, was that the worst tyra entrance yet? with the stepping? what’s phi beta sigma? and what’s up with the apocalypse now quote? with a british accent? on so many levels, that is wrong. i mean, is that really the pop cultural age of antm’s audience? and has she even seen the movie? was it really a brit accent or was that tyra’s serious actorly accent?

i loved that getting quizzed on designers and photographers was so challenging to the girls. “we’re just modeling. we’re not curing cancer here.”  good thing, too, because this isn’t what i’d call a brain trust, even for antm standards.  

boot camp was shorter lived than the sadist in me would have liked. they moved quickly to the interviews (or “casting” as they say in the biz). first up, kathleen rosie perez-ing, “you’re so pretty!” dang, she’s annoying.  i was thinking that a recording of this would make a really good alarm clock. noway even laura could sleep though that. i kind of liked sarah. she’s supercute and it will be interesting to see if she has an edge since she’s a photographer. brittany has a terrible walk, like she’s got a bird on her shoulder or something, but there’s something i like about her, which means she’ll get the boot early on. seriously, is natasha a mail order bride? her walk is so bad i want to make some kind joke about russian prostitute something up her bum, but i’d never stoop so low. everytime jaslene said she wants to be the first latina to win antm, i replaced “latina” with “drag queen.” renee is pretty, but with the mouth. even for me, it’s too early for such bitchiness. i might have to throw stuff at the teevee if she keeps mentioning her son. that just doesn’t cut it. now, if she has a son plus, say, retinitis pigmentosa or lupus or something, then we can talk. neither of the plus size girls (aka fatties, sorry) are even on the same planet as tocarra. i think i’m a little frightened of jael, she fugly. how many freakin’ texans are there in the semis? are they trying to make up for the dakota domination in the last two cycles? to that i say, bring it on texas.

if this is an indication of the level of photo shoots, it’s gonna be a long cycle. political issues? yawn. but, yay! it’s nigel! they usually don’t haul him out until later. can kathleen really be that stoopid? “i like fur. it makes you look hot.” and worse (better?) than the loud sound of air passing through her skull is that she sucks at the modeling! wait, what? is jaslene latina? no way! fun fact: a vegan can only eat jalapeno peppers. who says antm isn’t educational?

this might be the best house ever. not too much tyra on the walls and the fire next to the lap pool is neat. i’m pretty sure josh and i will get a house like this when we move to la. y’all can come visit. man, remember when they used to have to live in a kind of more normal house? where is adrian? the pretending that cycle1 didn’t happen is getting ridiculous. oh man. i loved last cycle when there were only 12 beds for the 13 girls. that’s the kind of modeling hijinx i want to see.

worst challenge ever. 3-minutes to thrift an outfit at goodwill for a runway show outside of goodwill. are these the very important modeling skills our girls can hope to learn from tyty and her crack team? who exactly was the audience? i recognized one cw actress, but they didn’t mention her. that seems weird. jael won? but it was just a dress with a belt. i liked whitney’s men’s blazer with jeans and the red shirt underneath. they raised $286, “which is great.” says phillip bloch. who else thinks that tyra has naked pictures of him with a woman?

oooh, i like the judging set. kinda asian-ey. oh, tyty. the scarf. the gold necklace. the cleavage. the vagina arms.  hey, wait. no gilles bensimon? the pictures have an odd effect on them. when twiggy said that natasha blended into the wall i had to rewind the tifaux and, well, she does because they did that blendy thing on photoshop. man oh man, kathleen is not only annoying, but stupid, “it’s okay to take the fur of animals for coats if they’ve died of natural causes in the jungle, because animals die of natural causes sometimes, don’t they?” is that where she got the thing on her head? part of me hopes they keep her around for the entertainment value. because, you know, stupid people are funny. oh well. jael’s picture was actually kind of good, considering her fug. i think the tattoo on the back of her neck says, “manifest.” that’s a pretty big word. i’m just sayin’. 

so far, i think dionne is my favorite. she’s stunning.


“i’m not gonna go home and sit on my couch like a big couch potato, no.” – Kathleen  now wait just a second, she says that like it’s a bad thing. 


2 responses to “model maggots

  1. felicity says:

    I MISS YOU…if you were here we could watch top model together! sniff sniff indeed.

  2. lmb says:

    I can’t possibly leave all my thoughts in comments. Are you going to force me into ANTM recaps on my own blog? I just don’t know how I feel about that.

    But, in brief:
    – could Jael be any more stoned? my god. i actually think she’s kind of striking, but i’m reserving full judgment for later. her “i’m sick, no, wait, i’m hula hooping!” shtick was pretty lame.
    – i’m not sure yet about dionne. the fact that she has absolutely no neck in that picture kind of creeps me out.
    – i want SO BADLY to hate renee… but i might kinda love her in all her immature bitchiness.
    – the latina girl—can we just call her skeletor?—scares the bejeezus out of me with her bony bony little bones, but that picture? probably the best of the bunch.

    and all afternoon, i have been imagining what it would be like to wake up tomorrow morning to miss can’t-think-her-way-out-of-a-paper-bag saying, “you’re so pretty!!!”. and kimmy? you funny. I’ll be sorely disappointed if, the next time I sleep on y’all’s couch, you don’t wake me up with your best new york accent.

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