without a definite route


on October 25, 2007

for all the years i imagined being a mommie, starting when i was probably 7 or so, i never thought about the kajillions of things that are downright terrifying about being a parent. in my daydreams, i never got past the warmth of the snuggling and the yummy smell of the top of a baby’s head. reality is hard. i fret.

i fret about daily stuff. is emmit eating enough? is he eating the right foods? is he sleeping enough? pooping enough? is letting him watch teevee going to rot his brain? would it be better if somehow josh and i were both home most nights instead of just a couple?

i fret about random things. did the eye surgery work? how bad can an aversion to playdo and finger paints really be? why can’t his hair decide to be curly or straight? does emmit need a dog?

i fret about special occasion things. is dressing him as a pimp for halloween (with daddy as the hooker) appropriate? should we bother getting him prezzies for christmas when all he cares about is the boxes?

i fret about real things like his developmental delays and paranoid things like Bad People breaking in and stealing him in the night.

and so i must allow myself to triumph in the things i have successfully given up. most of the daily frets i’m actually pretty okay with. after struggling with them for awhile, i’ve just had to shrug and figure it will all work out for the best. a new victory in the war against fretting is that i’ve finally accepted that i can’t worry about doing things that might fuck him up (except maybe that pesky dressing him as a pimp thing). it is clearly an impossible thing to avoid. i now realize that if he is going to be twisted, it is better for us to twist gently in an amusing direction, like making a bonsai tree!


4 responses to “fretfulhood

  1. lmb says:

    i think my nephew probably needs a dog. can you even imagine all the kodak moments?

  2. lolly says:

    I used to think that the fretting would some how evaporate as my kids get older, but what I’m finding is there are just more things to fret over. Like when your son says that when he’s around girls, he feels funny. He’s nine… Or hoping that I’m an adequate role model for my daughter even though she screams that I’m the worst mommy ever just about every day.

    I was at a wedding rehearsal dinner a couple of weeks ago. The bride had a gift for each of her attendants. Before she handed out each gift, she thanked the attendant for standing up with her and told everyone why each person was so special to her. Then the groom did the same. It was really touching. When they were finished, the bride gave a special gift to her mom and thanked her for her love and support. Then the groom got up and apologized because his mother’s gift was on back order. But then he proceeded to say that she had made him the man he was today. That without her there to guide him, he would have been lost and that if he could have picked any mother in the whole world, he’s pick her everytime. And not only was he blessed enough to know her, he had the privilege of calling her, “mom”.

    That’s the legacy I want to leave my kids.

  3. dumbtourist says:

    it’s important to prepare your children for supporting you as you get older. nothing says ‘i’m gonna take care of you sooner rather than later, mom’ than a pimp outfit. rock on.

  4. GJ says:

    Watching the E in his dancing, piano playing, smiling, petting the cat, climbing and playing in the leaves…I see peace and love and am so very proud of his parental units…..

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