ramblinjaq

without a definite route

i yam what i yam

on December 5, 2008

a friend recently left a voice-mail saying that we need to catch up soon. it’s been ages since we last talked and i’ve been missing her desperately. the message said, “when we get to talk, i want to talk about you and not about the kids.” i was kind of confused for a second and then thought, “okay whatever,” and moved on to wiping a nose or tripping over a toy or yelling “sit on your bottom!”

as the days have gone by, however, the you in you is bugging me.

she certainly meant something uncomplicated and sweet and definitely not negative about the kids. “how are you doing?” is a wonderful thing to be asked, but disregarding the presently hugest portion of my world bugs me because it seems to say that a) i talk too much about my kids (which…yeah, see: this blog) and b) the kids aren’t a worthy conversation topic for civilized adults (again, yeah…) and c) what i currently define as me is less than what others see as me (some person who has interests outside of parenthood that she has time and energy for).

either way, i’m not sure how to respond. my kids are awesome and i’m away from them for most of their waking hours. talking about them helps me deal with that. on the other hand, i miss that other non-kid-talking person, too. but if i think too much about it, it makes me anxious. so that person – who loves seeing movies, who enjoys writing, who loves taking pictures, who maybe wants to read a book every now and then – has to stay in the background for awhile. not totally and not forever.

for the record, my reaction is more than likely affected by minor sleep deprivation marinated in breastfeeding hormones, but at this specific moment  – and i’m more than a little nervous about admitting this out loud and sounding lame and pathetic – my life is primarily my kids. i am smack dab in the tornado that is mama to a toddler and a baby. there is no outside world. there is only the storm. although i’m still in there and can expound on STUFF and THINGS,  i am going to talk about my kids. a lot. that’s just how it is. for now.

so…if you don’t want to hear about emmit and jasper’s latest developmental milestones, how much snot an 18 pound person can produce, my boobs, the sleep issues of the 4 souls living in my house or the relative qualities of elmo!, abby cadabby, buzz! or KING!, perhaps we should catch up later.

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One response to “i yam what i yam

  1. Jen Stone says:

    Jaq. my dear sweet Jaq. I just read this and I don’t think I had seen it before – I’m catching up on your blog because I feel so disconnected from my life, my past lives, my friends, my past friends. it is a storm. we ARE in the midst of the storm and it is swirling and blinding and knocks us over A LOT. but the beauty is that sometimes there is calm in the storm. like the eye of a hurricane. and i have to (as do you) stop and enjoy the calm and remind myself that the storm will end and there will be minor storms after the big one, but when the big one is over, once again I can find ME, because I am still in there and even though I (we) are on hold for now, it is ok, because when the storm subsides, our kids will be better for it and then we can be both moms and whatever else we want to be. i feel like in a few more years i’m going to start a whole new phase of my life and it’s gonna be beautiful.

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