without a definite route

ride the tiger

on September 2, 2009

years ago, i decided to make some new year’s resolutions even though i kinda don’t belive in the practice. i’d had a really crappy year and was in a bad place. i needed to pull myself up and out.

2009 has been a bit of a year so far. not terrible, but a rough time, if you will. on top of not seeing much of josh, the yucky economy, feeling terminally stuck in indiana, and indian market & festival having an all time low attendance, there were the two hospitalizations for emmit and the diagnosis of a brain malformation. YIKES. not terrible…could be worse… but there is now more worry for emmit’s health and future. there is now the fear of recurring seizures. there are new bills that have me sliding into the deep dark darkness of debt. there is the mounting terror that we will never be able to sell our house. on top of all that is the nervousness that jasper’s hair will never grow. that’s a big one because she’s bald.

i find that all i want to do lately is sleep or eat or re-read harry potter. that’s a textbook cry for help, right?. so i’m pulling out those old resolutions to see how i’m doing and to, hopefully, recommit myself. giving myself deadlines if i feel i need to. public deadlines. that all 5 of you will hold me accountable for. 

each resolution will get its own post.

a side note: i looked up resolution and found some fantastic expressions in the thesarus, with which i hope to start peppering my everyday speech (and, of course, these resolution posts). be afraid. 

there is nothing earth shatteringly original about this, but i want to be healthier. on a deep level, this wraps up my desire to be an active parent and good role model, my fear of being a sickly old person, my body image and my self-esteem. superficially, it comes down to: i want to lose weight and be pretty. to do that, i need to exercise and eat healthier. wait! what? is that some kind of crazy talk? we all know it’s not crazy talk and it’s not even that difficult to do, but boy is it a tough thing to start.

when emmit turned one and a half and was the hugest and heaviest child on the planet who still needed his mama to pick him up and carry him, i realized i needed a change. i did weight watchers and walked with my friend carol almost daily. before getting knocked up with jasper, i’d lost 27 pounds and was where i wanted to be. oh my, i felt pretty. oh so pretty and witty and bright. i gave myself several months after jasper was born before going back to weight watchers. then winter hit. although headed back in the right direction, i simply lost my motivation. i’m officially in a 8+ month slump. i need to lose 10 more pounds. that’s not the 25 i needed to lose before, which is a wonderful wonderful thing. for that i am grateful, but at this moment, i can’t see much difference between 10 pounds and 25 pounds when i can’t get off my ass or all i want for dinner is a s’more.

so for resulution #1: be healthier, i’m still running the gauntlet. i need to stop listening to the voice of the charmer and stand no nonsense. i’m going to lose 10 pounds before christmas by walking every day and doing weight watchers. whew. talk about riding the tiger.

starting weight: 128


One response to “ride the tiger

  1. Jane says:

    Reading my fav blog this early morn, I’m so proud of you and your sharing especially in this post. You’ve been through a tough year and hope you are giving yourself lots of grace for this crazy, bumpy parental ride you and Josh have been on this last nine months. I’d noticed the occasional HP on your couch and wondered… I’m aware that this is nine days after you wrote this and…I think I noticed an extra bounce in your step when I saw you and your beautiful children the other day. ? Always know, I’m ‘here” or there at the drop of a hat; speaking for all parents everywhere…parents are always wondering how they can help their adult kids. BTW, Jasper’s mom did not have much hair for the first two years, if that’s any comfort. One last thing….as Emmit would say ‘thank you s’mores, thank you harry potter’ for helping Jaq through this time!

    Love…mama mia

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