last night, as the kids were bathing, i had a realization that might explain why i have issues with emmit’s hair no longer being lusciously curly. by issues, i mean total unending heartbreak.
i think i need to go back a bit. after emmit’s original baby hair fell out, it grew back in a patchy ridiculous old man way until one day it was thick and corkscrew curly. as a person who has suffered from straight fine hair syndrome my entire life, i fell deeply and madly in love. it always looked pretty and was easy for me to care for and cut; curly hair being fairly forgiving.
slowly over time, the hair done went wavy then straight. clearly becoming much less forgiving when i cut it poorly, which is easy to do when i am forced to pretty much wave scissors at a moving target.
so that’s that. his hair is still very pretty, but i miss those curls. until last night, i thought i missed them in a purely follicular way, but then it occurred to me that the curls went away around the same time that we learned about the dandy walker and i think just maybe i’ve attached some pretty gigantic baggage to whatever it was those curls meant to me.
josh and i talk a lot about emmit. his medical condition (which is wonderful, thank you very much); his medicines; his diet; his development (also doing really well); his therapies; his poop; his school; his happiness; his relationships with others; his future; his behavior; his poop (yep i meant to say it twice); his strengths and weaknesses; his successes; his sillinesses. i’ve been saying out loud for a while that i have a son with special needs. josh worries that saying it means accepting it means giving up on emmit. for me, saying it opens up a community that i need to be part of. i read special needs newsletters and blogs; belong to special needs groups (all online at this point, i’m still not so much a joiner); i’m “friends” with special needs organizations on the facebook.
we haven’t been in synch on the whole special needs and moving on to whatever that means issue. it’s an interesting switching of normal places. josh is generally the pragmatic one while i normally approach everything emotionally. josh takes emmit to all of his therapies. he sees emmit in more special needs situations than i do. yet, he would say he still has hope while i’ve given up. and i totally haven’t given up. i hope and hope and hope some more all the time every single second of every single day, but not in a sad way. emmit is who emmit is.
what on earth does that have to do with emmit’s former curls? my apologies for wending my way around an already convoluted story. as i said, i’m all aboard the special needs train and have accepted that emmit is who emmit is no matter what that means EXCEPT I WANT HIS CURLY HAIR BACK.
so here we are: last night, bath and bedtime, looking at emmit’s hair i got sad, which made me wonder if i’m as all aboard as i think i am or if i’ve tied up hopes for emmit’s future into his hair – curly hair in grade school and high school; curly hair at college; curly hair at his wedding…
pretty crazy, right? but i don’t know, there’s something there that i will continue to ponder. i think the love for the curls was pure, but chances are good i’ve channeled some of my special needs acclimation issues in that direction. either way, i am protecting myself by making a vow not to get attached to jasper’s curls. except, seriously? they’re so pretty. i’m doomed.